When She didn't come home

When she didn't come home

I sat at the window waiting for the sound of her car
I woke to every click of the door
Every chiming of keys
When she didn’t come home

At first I held hope
Perhaps tomorrow
Perhaps next week
Maybe next month
When she didn’t come home

No one gave me an answer
She’ll be by soon
She needs some time
She’s getting clean
When she didn’t come home

At first I cried
Large droplets turning into free flowing streams
Streaking my face
Eyes burning
Blurring
Begging for understanding
My throat strained
Words distorted into choking sobs
When she didn’t come home

Questions ran through my mind
Ones I wouldn’t dare ask aloud
If I’d just tried harder
Been stronger
Would she still be here?
If I’d listened more closely
Kept my room cleaner
Would she still be here?
Was it my fault?
When she didn’t come home

I stopped crying
Stopped caring
Eyes dry
Heart callused
When she didn’t come

I closed my curtains
Slept through the night
Deafened myself to the sound of car engines slowing down the street
When she didn’t come home

I don’t cry anymore
I don’t care anymore
I don’t try anymore
I don’t love anymore
But I still ask those questions
Let them run through my
Could I have been better?
Stronger?
Was it my fault?
That she didn’t come home

beauty in brokeness

How beautiful it is to see your grace and mercy
in our brokenness!
In our vulnerability you provide clarity
A paradox of beauty in our lowest,
most broken moments.
How perfect is your love
Displayed in the single breath of finding joy in our trials
in the moment when we see just a glimpse
Of the amazing plans you have for us

reflections during Youth Councils

Even when it isn't cool
let me fall on my knees and worship your name
Even when it isn't cool
let me lift my hands
let me dance at your throne
Lord, even when it isn't cool.
Guard me from my pride
let me fall to my face in reckless abandonment
to give you my praise
to rest in your peace


How do I show them that you are in their darkness? God you are there in their pain, in their hurt you hold them close. "My child I am overwhelmed with grief when I see your tears, - your anger in frustration. My child I am here, I am here."
How do I show the endlessness of your love? I am only you child, just as they are. But God, I have felt your comfort, your loving embrace. Please show them what you have revealed to me in my darkness.

Your self control leaves me in awe. I realise now, how you feel when I sit and ignore your presence. I do not know what is going through their head. I do not know what is on their hearts. Lord please let it be on you. Let them find you in the voices that lift up your praise.


Who are you God?
Who are you to me?
A strong tower
A faithful father
not the broken reflection that this world provided me!
How many times have I asked for peace
for joy, for direction
for grace?
Unlike this world, you have been faithful to answer my call
And even in my pain
you stand with me
While my faith my falter
my desperation rarely fades
so I cling to the promises that other have spoken
you will carry me when I am broken
when this world trips me up
You will be my light
my rock
my path
my strength
in you alone I trust
in you alone I trust

A missed goodbye

I don't have much to say that would be profound this evening. Perhaps

That girl

That girl

She walks into a room
Bright eyes
Warm smile
She has it all together
She is loved
She is clam
Her world doesn't seem to be melting beneith her feet
Or perhaps it is
In the way that people feel her peace
They see her love

That girl

She walks in proud with a man by her side
She prays at night after he falls to sleep by her side
Then dreams of a wedding in black and white
Her heart on her sleeve
Her life in her hands
Broken she goes
A smile on her face

Overwhelmed by grace

Today, as I walked through the rain I realized something...

While the rain may pour across this small rushed city
My heart can find shelter in the overhangs of your grace
Your grace that surpasses
All that is spoken
All that is done
All that is thought
So, while the rain may dampen my hair and clothes
It reminds me of your grace that flows from the heavens to quench my parched soul

Making a decision

There are many moments in life when you make the choice to put God first or others or even yourself
It's a conscious decision, whether we want to admit it at the time or not.
You feel it in your gut, and suddenly things of His nature start to hurt
They start to dig under your skin
At times it's hard to decipher one voice from another
The voice you want to hear, and the voice that won't be quiet

In life there are moments where I choose to follow God or ignore his quiet request
He waits patiently for me to come back to him
While I struggle to push away
It take more energy to push away yet it feels less vulnerable than letting go
There is a moment in my life where I need to make the steadfast decision that choosing to follow God is worth losing everything I feel that I have worked towards.

I am scared
I am angry
I am nervous

I want to bury my past but my mind is not deep enough
I want to walk toward God with a clear mind, but this mill stone is too heavy
I want to ignore every message, every study, every T.V. show I've seen

But most of all I want to grow and walk with my God who is so much bigger than I can comprehend.
A God that knows how scared I am to lose what I feel is a gift from Him
A God that knows that I am angry at Him, but mostly myself
A God that knows I am nervous to let Him work in my life