Waiting at a red light

Jonny Lang - Red Light

You sing a song
While sitting at a red light
You think of home
While sitting at a red light
Too slow to roll
Put your life on hold
An open path
With nowhere to go
You start to wonder
While sitting at a red light
You can run a red light
Give up at a red light
You break the mold
When running through the tolls
Speeding through your whole life
A chance to breathe
While sitting at a red light
You look around
Reflecting on your life
A chance to think
Am I drinking too much
Should I keep going
Lose the life that I love
A second glance
When coming to a red light

As I am a big fan of the "Just go" mentality and way of faith, I can't help but notice that God often has to put on the brakes when I try and speed ahead of His plan for me.

Did I mention I'm impatient? My best friend can attest to this. One of the biggest superficial challenges we come up against in our friendship is our differing views of time and/or time management. While I am most definitely a huge procrastinator and lover of the last minute, I get things done, for the most part on time. I hate being late, and try my hardest (with usual success) to honor time commitments. At the same time I don't like to schedule things too far in advance because I want to keep myself available for last minute changes... I'm full of contradictions, I know this. My friend on the other hand is quite the opposite, and it causes me more strife than it causes her. I'm honestly little bias but we love each other and we work around our time management views (most of the time). But back to the whole lack of patience thing...

Every city or town has that one intersection... you know, the one that always seems to turn red when you near it? And the traffic gods have decided that your car would be the unlucky one to sit all by it's lonesome and endure the endless minutes until you have paid penance for running the yellow the past 10 times you've hit that intersection or perhaps it's payment for not quite stopping at the last stop sign. It's inevitable that Murphy's Law and Karma have their role in the intersection, and your friends have even admitted to the strange coincidence of the light and their driving transgressions. Ok, so maybe you don't have one of those intersections, and maybe you're thinking I'm trying too hard on this illustration... but I promise you, if you're ever in Daly City, CA there's an intersection on John Daly Blvd. that I'm making these statements upon. Ok, I'll get on with it (as you can tell I'm having difficulty staying focused)!

Since I won't have a job when I get back to the Bay Area in August, I'm starting the preliminary browsing of job search engines (idealist, craigslist, and a few ministry focused engines). This process is both exciting and exhausting. Hours of reading job positions, organization's websites, reviews, requirements, doctrinal statements and the like. This process is causing quite a bit of mental anxiety. Questions come up, "Will I be able to find a job I love? Will I be qualified? Will I make enough money in this job, to live in my apartment? Will I have to move?" The list of questions continues. As anxious as I get, I keep testing the job outlook waters. Here is the problem... the jobs that I really want to look into cause the most anxiety! Not the good type of anxiety, but the type that causes me to doubt my abilities, my passions, and ultimately my confidence that God has it under control.

Then it hit me, this morning, maybe I need to have a bit of healing in my life before God can hand me the responsibility of doing what I love to do... cultivating relationships, encouraging others, coming alongside people and loving them the way I think Jesus would have wanted me to. I'm a little aggravated that God allows this anxiety to come over me when I think about these things, but I need to let my present relational wounds heal and past emotional scar tissue be broken down again. As with all things, I'm just ready to move on and God's telling me to slow down and wait for a bit. So now I'm stuck at this red light that has no one else around and the only thing keeping me there is sense that God is asking me. No one will catch me if I run through it, but I'll probably feel guilty about it later. So for now I will sit at my red light and consider it as some down time to regain my confidence in God and myself.

First thoughts on "the emerging church" (w/update)

As my search for a church community continues I can't help but consider the emergent/emerging church. The questions is though, what is the emerging church??

No really, what is the emergent/emerging church?

It feels so ambiguous and trendy. Some people love it, other's hate it, but honestly I haven't really been able to pin down a good definition, and no one I've found seems to be willing to define, what some have called a Christian "sub-culture." What I can say, is that I feel drawn to it.

What I can gather so far...

It's not a denomination, nor is it non-denominational. The emerging church exists within many denominations (including non-denom... let's be honest, it's a denomination... but that's a whole different topic). They are seeking genuine relationships with people and with Christ. They want to dig deeper, think critically and chew on the meat of the gospel by putting it into action. These are things I love, and am drawn to, but part of me has reservations. Here are some questions that come to mind...

Is the emergent church just going to be come a new denomination?

Is the emergent church more a way of life rather than an establishment?

What exactly is the goal of the emergent church?

I've started reading blogs and websites on this whole emergent culture, and started discussing it with friends and coworkers. I'm not sure where to go with this, but I'm intrigued.


Update...

The more I look into all of this emergent vs. emerging vs. missional vs. tradtional vs. fundimental vs. evangelical, the more I'm resistant to dealing with it all.

Ready, set, go! No really, GO!

"If we wait for the moment when everything, absolutely everything, is ready, we shall never begin."

- Ivan Turgenev, novelist, poet, playwright


I could probably write in metaphors for ages (as some of you know this first hand), or you know, I could just forget wandering aimlessly around the proverbial bush and get staight to the point. Like how I did that??

I find myself, and a lot of the people I know waiting for the right moment. Just waiting, thinking that it will come, that God will provide the exact moment that He wants us to get off of our butt and do something with our lives. Be it, making a career change, writing that paper for class that you were given an undefined extension on, quiting a bad and/or unhealthy habit, having a tough conversation with a friend or loved one, losing weight, the list could go on forever- I think we all have something to make a move on. Some of us are so concerned about waiting for the perfect moment that we forget to actually move. We live in hindsight, thinking, "Oh, maybe that moment, just there, that passed me, was the moment I was supposed to do something. Well, next time I guess."

I can't help but think we only get so many of those "next times" before we completely change the path of life that we're on. This is probably where that whole freewill issue comes into play, and the "plans that God has for us," which many Christians bring up in their conversations when we think about the choices we've made, and those we will have to make in the future.

See the thing is, trusting God or simply making tough decisions (about things we want to do, or about things we don't) has much more to do with faith. No matter what you believe in, or how you believe, the idea of faith is pretty universal. It's the hope that what ever you're doing, or who ever you believe in is true and right, and some how things will turn out ok. Sometimes making decisions doesn't mean waiting for the "perfect timing" ... that one moment where everything seems to line up. Maybe just maybe it's more about mustering up the faith, gumption, or grabbing onto that tiny thread of hope, and jumping. You may not be ready for it, the people around you may not be expecting it, but the changes that come with whatever you had to do or say, are probably worth the moment of fear that comes with doing it.

With that said, if for any reason, you are waiting for the right moment to do or say something... I challenge you to just Go.

(cross posted from facebook and other such social networking facets)

Changing it up - work, church, summer and beyond

crossposted from my facebook, so it's a little more filtered (so to speak) than this blog tends to be (different audience I suppose).

Hmmm... how do I start this? (I guess I just did...)

So yes, I'm going to be out of town for a couple of months. Why, you ask?

Well, I'm making a few changes in my life. I realized about a month or so ago that where I am is not where I want to be. While I've been where I am for a reason - work, church, and such - I've been struggling with the ever present issue of where does God want me to be? What does God want to do in my life?

Without getting into the nitty gritty of that struggle, I came to realize that while I have been doing what God wanted me to do in my current location and situations, He has been asking me to make a change. You see the thing is, I like the idea of security and stability... alas, not as much as I like the idea of being who I am and most of all what God has in store for me.

With that said, a friend of mine asked me, "What do YOU want to do?" A week later, and kind of out of the blue, and replied "Michigan." Two summers ago I worked at a camp with a team of amazing people. I don't know how to explain it, but it was the most "me" I'd felt in a long time. Long days, short nights, craziness and the sorts.

Thing is making a choice to go back to Michigan for the summer meant leaving my job. So, I'm leaving my job with The Salvation Army, to go back to camp for one more summer (well it's a Salvation Army camp, but different area... it's hard to explain). With this said, I don't know what happens after. I intend on coming back to San Francisco (I'm keeping my apartment), but I don't have a job... there goes that whole idea of security and stability, at least for now.

As far as church, I made the decision to leave my current church and look for a new one. It was a very difficult decision, but through it I am learning a lot about self worth, ministry, and grace. I'm thankful I don't really have to make a commitment until I get back to the city, so it's nice to take my time and enjoy other people's services and find a place where I fit well with the community and leadership. *On a side note to that, if anyone has any church ideas, please let me know.*

So the plan as it stands...
My last day at work is May 16th. May 17th I head out to Michigan by way of Interstate 80... with my mom. I'll be in Michigan by the 22nd and at camp on the 23rd. Camp officially starts (well orientation) on June 1st and closes August 2nd. I'm guessing I'll be back in San Francisco mid August, as I would like to take a little more time in driving back... check out some sights... enjoy the peace. After that... who knows.

say what you need to say

Say by John Mayer

Take all of your wasted honor.
Every little past frustration.
Take all of your so called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations.
Say what you need to say (x8)
Walkin' like a one man army,
Fightin' with the shadows in your head.
Livin' up the same old moment
Knowin' you'd be better off instead
If you could only...Say what you need to say (x8)
Have no fear for givin' in.
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much,
than never to say what you need to say again
.Even if your hands are shaking,And your faith is broken.
Even as the eyes are closin',
Do it with a heart wide open.(Wide Heart)
Say what you need to...Say what you need to say.

Somewhere along the line we're told or we learn by example that talking about what's going on in our lives or speaking up for a friend or loved or even for ourselves, is a bad idea. It brings up that big "V" word... vulnerability. Suddenly, by saying something, we open ourselves up to the mercy of others. Unfortunatly for most of us, or at least my peers and the people I come into contact with, the times that we have been vulnerable, we don't get the response we had hoped for. If we're reaching out for help, we get pushed away, or told we're not worth it, or that we don't need help. If we're letting someone know how we feel about a person (especially in a romantic situation), we run the risk of not having those feelings recipricated (in not so pretty terms, we get denied, shot down, etc). In short, when we open ourselves up to another we run the risk of being hurt. If it doesn't go well the first few times, we start to build up walls and become less inclined to "say what we need to say."

Over the past few weeks I've realized that I haven't really been saying what I need to say. I've had a pretty tough few months. Like most if not all recent college graduates, I'm still trying to figure out what on Earth I want to do with my life. This past year has lead me through many "growing expereinces," and in the past month I have made the choice to change my job, my church, and temporarily my location. Call it my quarterlife crisis if you want, but I have had to do some serious life inventory and spring cleaning. I'm absolutely petrified, and like a good Christian, I'm struggling through by being completely inconsistant in my prayer life, grumpy about going to church, and basically wallowing in my fear. Ok, so maybe I'm being a little mellow dramatic about it, but honestly I'm freaking out about all the change I've just thrown upon myself. However, through all these changes I'm finding my voice again. I'm learning how to speak up for myself, and the people around me. I'm facing conflict, and to be honest I might be stirring up a few people's lives by being honest about the hardships I've faced, but I'm saying what I need to say. I'm doing what I think I need to do, and I'm trying to be respectful but honest in the process. So, thank you John Mayer, for yet again putting another song in my soundtrack of life.

Go

I'm restless. I suppose I always have been. 4 years here, 4 years there. One summer doing this, one summer doing that. I figure it's just a matter of growing up on the move. England, Colorado, California and different places inbetween and during. Sometimes I wonder though, am I running from something, running from myself? At times it is clear to me, that I am avoiding something that God is trying to place in my life, at other times I feel like God is trying to move me somewhere. Often I am so confused that I simply stay put for fear of mishearing God's voice in my life.

Last night I went to a prayer and worship evening. As I was discussing with a friend from work, earlier this morning, I was hesitant in going because I had an idea of what it was going to be like. Alas, I gave up bitterness, and all that comes with it, for Lent, so I decided this would be a good thing for me to go to. If nothing else, it would prove that I am making an effort to experience the "diversity in which people express their relationship with God" (was that the exact phrase I used last post?). I felt a little out of place, surrounded by young adults (half my age, half teens) croweded in the medium sized front room of a closed coffee shop. It felt like a high school God experience all over again, not necessarily a bad thing, just slight dejavu.


Later that evening after worship and a talk, Gary, the speaker, looked at me and asked point blank "Can I pray with you?" Now you have to understand, I can be pretty sensitive about how people ask if they can pray for one another. I've been approached by people who want to pray for me because they don't agree with something I've done or believe, they usually say, "I'll pray for you." In a pseudo-concerned pitying way. I have often found myself biting my tongue before I say something snide, or potentially hurtful. In this case I didn't get defensive, and he wasn't the man to say something like "No sir, I would not like you to pray for me." So I smiled and laughed a little nervously while responding, "How could I say no?" After briefly asking me what church I attended, if I lived in The City and if I knew about the Holy Spirit, he prayed for me.

I can't remember exactly how he started or exactly what he said through out the prayer. What I do remember is key words. Missions, Travel, Teaching, Made equal, Compassion, Unfullfilled, More, something to do with Relationship and Go. I've never been prayed over prophetically, so it was a new experience. I didn't fall to the ground, pass out, laugh or cry uncontrolably, but I did feel peace. He brought up a lot of things that I had just stopped questioning about, or had on hold because of where I was at right now.

I suppose the word Go stood out to me because it's what I have been struggling with for about a year and a half now. Go, or perhaps follow might be the best way to describe it. Just Go. Get up and go, and all through it I've asked where and how? I've admired the way in which people such as Peter, Andrew, James and John, just stopped what they were doing to follow Jesus. Yet still there were men who couldn't do that like the rich young man in Mark 10. As an indecive person who bounces back and forth from spontaninaity to strictly planned, I find myself bound somewhere in the middle of these two extremes. Stepping out in faith to follow someone I don't know and to who knows where is something I want to do, but I struggle with leaving behind what I have (which has less to do with material attachment and more to do with commitments and responsibilities). I would love to just Go or follow or something, but I don't know where or when or how. So "go" is what stood out.

As I am still processing the evening and there are many words I feel the need to disect I feel it would be unwise to leave out the scripture that God had me mulling over for most of the evening. Jeremiah 1, it's a passage I've led Bible Study on, and something that I found so itimate and empowering, how the Lord could touch the mouth of a young man to speak out in boldness and love. I thought it was something I should have read out to the group, but I held back, and while I still think I should have read it outloud, I'm starting to think God is trying to bring this scripture to me, for me.

So far this Lenten season has brought me to places much more spiritually mature than I think I am capable of handling. Yet I am trying my best to listen carefully and focus on what it's really about... not what I'm giving up but what I'm striving towards.

Lent struggles

Last Wednesday marked the beginning of Lent, a time of self-denial that symbolically parallels the 40 days and 40 nights that Jesus spent in the wilderness. The Lenton season ends Easter Sunday, the day we celebrate the resurection of Jesus.
But back to the personal meaning of Lent and all this self denial talk. This year I didn't want to do what I have done in the past. One year I gave up TV, another I gave up MySapce and sugar, and I think I did all three last year, but I can't really remember. These habits I gave up for 40 days (actually more if your counting Sunday's) were good for me. However the purpose of denying myself these things was supposed to draw me nearer to God - in essence, force myself to focus on God and call on him for strength. Instead of spending time reading the Bible or praying during the times that I would be participating in the activities I denied myself, I spent my time doing other unproductive things or eating other unhealthy snacks (enter salty/savory goodness). Clearly Lent wasn't working the way in which it was intended (like many other religious practices and me).This year, I hope will be different.

This year I spent almost a week mulling over the possible things I could give up. As I am trying to be healthy (ok, maybe it's because I'm paying for a personal trainer and I'm sick of looking at more of me than there should be), I thought about giving up unhealthy foods... namely chocolate or other sugary goodness. However, this shouldn't be something that I give up for lent to be spiritual, but rather something I should give up to be healthy and not simply for 40 days. So sugar/chocolate was a no go. Then there was internet related habits... facebook, podcasts, email, blogs, google (ok I only just thought of that... yikes that would be scary), but surprisingly I don't feel too addicted (ok that might be a small lie), but lately they have been tools that I have been using in deepening my relationship with God rather than sucking it dry, so I chose not give those up. My next thought was to add a discipline, you know the normal, reading the Bible, praying daily, meditating... all that good stuff. As I have tried making those disciplines happen for new years resolutions or other such "commitment" days, I decided those were yet another thing that I couldn't just add for the sake of needing something to give up or do. By Shrove Tuesday (the day before Ash Wednesday) I was at a loss. I really wanted to do something meaningful.

I jokingly thought I should give up bitterness, but then I thought about it. Bitterness tends to get in the way of my relationship with anyone, especially God. I tend to use it as a defense mechanism, and a reason for not being open to different forms of worship or praise. I've noticed in the past few years I have built this wall that has stopped me from really enjoying the diversity in which people express their relationship with God. Ok wow, that sentence is way too spiritual for any earthly good. Let me unpack that, as I will mostlikely forget what I was trying to say.

Enjoying the diversity in which people express their relationship with God... Let me try and put it into an unchristianese format (as it is not necessary to understand Christianese to be a good Christian... sounds like a good future blog post). Every person has a different way they like to interact with God. Like how people pray... some pray with large words and intensity, others with a specific voice, some call God different names like Daddy (I have a hard time with this, but that's my issue, not theirs), some even pray in tongues (a different, spiritual, language that some parts of the church don't believe is a modern spiritual gift and others do). Those different ways of prayer show diversity in how people communicate to God through prayer. Worship is the same way, you've got hymnal books, "contemporary worship music," brass bands, acapella, gospel, dancing, flags, the list goes on. Again, another example of diversity in how we express our relationship with God.

I get frustrated when people put their relationship with God in a box - when they feel that there is only one way to have a relationship with God. Then again, I tend to have my relationship with God in a similar box. I want to interact with God in a particular way, and if someone else says I'm doing it wrong, or I should do it differently, or with more or less of whatever I get frustrated - no, bitter. This bitterness starts out small, then grows into an ugly beast that pretty much strangles any hope of a good relationship with both people and God. I was getting so offended by people who made me feel that my relationship with God was inadequate I just became bitter about the whole situation and stopped being open to they ways that they experienced God. So my hasty half serious thought about giving up bitterness took root, and grew into my serious Lent commitment. I will deny myself the ability to become bitter.

Well it's been less than a week, and I have had to take some very big steps to start cutting bitterness out of my life. I've had to endure Women's camp (which wasn't bad at all), work on a relationship with someone who hurt me (I again was reminded that grace is freely given to God, and that I should be willing to at least entertain the idea of viewing people from that perspective), and I am going to try out a different way of worshiping and praying tomorrow evening. I can't say I haven't slipped along the way. I have had moments of bitterness and frustration, but I have sincerely tried to put those aside and simply allow God to put me in the right place at the right time, and keep my mind open to how He wants me to respond.

My roommate left a prayer in my purse last Tuesday night (the day before Lent began). She didn't intend for it to be something that I would focus on during this season, rather for encouragement after she heard about the day I had. Looking back on this past week, I am tempted to believe that God very purposely planned out this Lent season for me. I hope I am hearing him correctly.

Prayer for Peace

Lord, preserve me from fighting your battle in my own strength. May I never pull up the precious wheat with the tares. May I triumph, not by frantic striving with the forces of evil, but by keeping my eyes securely fastened on You.

I ask that you make of me an expert peacemaker. Help me, in the power of the Spirit, to clear the path of obstacles to making Your peace - real peace - in Your Body here on earth.

-Leanne Payne