That girl

That girl

She walks into a room
Bright eyes
Warm smile
She has it all together
She is loved
She is clam
Her world doesn't seem to be melting beneith her feet
Or perhaps it is
In the way that people feel her peace
They see her love

That girl

She walks in proud with a man by her side
She prays at night after he falls to sleep by her side
Then dreams of a wedding in black and white
Her heart on her sleeve
Her life in her hands
Broken she goes
A smile on her face

Overwhelmed by grace

Today, as I walked through the rain I realized something...

While the rain may pour across this small rushed city
My heart can find shelter in the overhangs of your grace
Your grace that surpasses
All that is spoken
All that is done
All that is thought
So, while the rain may dampen my hair and clothes
It reminds me of your grace that flows from the heavens to quench my parched soul

Making a decision

There are many moments in life when you make the choice to put God first or others or even yourself
It's a conscious decision, whether we want to admit it at the time or not.
You feel it in your gut, and suddenly things of His nature start to hurt
They start to dig under your skin
At times it's hard to decipher one voice from another
The voice you want to hear, and the voice that won't be quiet

In life there are moments where I choose to follow God or ignore his quiet request
He waits patiently for me to come back to him
While I struggle to push away
It take more energy to push away yet it feels less vulnerable than letting go
There is a moment in my life where I need to make the steadfast decision that choosing to follow God is worth losing everything I feel that I have worked towards.

I am scared
I am angry
I am nervous

I want to bury my past but my mind is not deep enough
I want to walk toward God with a clear mind, but this mill stone is too heavy
I want to ignore every message, every study, every T.V. show I've seen

But most of all I want to grow and walk with my God who is so much bigger than I can comprehend.
A God that knows how scared I am to lose what I feel is a gift from Him
A God that knows that I am angry at Him, but mostly myself
A God that knows I am nervous to let Him work in my life

Sunday morning thoughts

Oh, to be on my face
In your sweet embrace
To surrender the world
To find your peace
To be wholly yours
On my face, in your embrace

Puzzles

Life is so unexpected, yet it all ends up fitting.

When I was little my mom used to do puzzles. She had a few puzzles that had a picture on both sides of the piece, I think they were called the world's most difficult puzzles. They would be puzzels with the same picture on both sides, but turned 90 degrees. We would put them together on a glass table so we could look at both sides to make sure they matched.
It would always amaze me when we completed the puzzle because, in the beginning, it seemed so impossible. How could these 1000 pieces of cardboard so interically connect with each other to become this fantastic picture?
There is another puzzle that I made with my mom that I always think about. It's sitting in the spare room of my apartment because it doesn't seem to fit anywhere. This puzzle wasn't one that had a picture on both sides, but it was difficult. It had a black and white M.C. Escher drawing on it with lizards. When we were done with it we puzzel glued it together and mounted it and put it on her wall. I would stare at it in the morning if I slept in her room. One morning I noticed that, instead of two different coloured lizards there were three. I think it had taken me a year to notice that.

There are times in my life that I feel like my own personal world's most difficult puzzle. There is so much going on and I can't get the full picture until I fnish it and look back. With in that, there are pieces of the puzzle that I just have to set aside until I can find the right place for them. Those pieces are the pieces that don't make sense. I know they are there for a reason and that they fit somewhere I just don't have a specific place yet.

There are also times that my life becomes the Escher puzzle that sat on my mom's bedroom wall. I could stare at it for hours on end and still miss half of what is drawn. It could be a permenant memory that sits with me and until I look at it in the right way I'm not going to be able to see the whole picture with all the details.

I don't know why a lot of things are happening, or what I've learned from certain experiences. There are also pieces of my life that I'm not sure what to do with because they don't seem to fit. I'm ok with not knowing where everything goes (usually), and there are always going to be times that I try and jam something in the wrong spot.

I was just thinking about it this evening.

Not so poetic thoughts on distraction

I am easily distracted. Just incase I haven't mentioned that before. I'm the type of person that can be distracted by a shiney object that hits the light in the right way (sometimes the wrong way too).
Yet, I am not easily distracted when I am focused on a distraction. Go figure! This has caused issues in the past, and currently in the present.

If I could draw an illustration it would be of me walking along a path following God's will and suddenly a butterfly flutters by. Without a thought, or maybe one, I follow the butterfly. Meanwhile God's calling,"Leya, come back." As my surroundings get darker and darker my focus remains on the butterfly. I don't even notice that the path is rockier - I keep on going. There are times that the butterfly might even show me something amazing or try to redirect my path back to God. These are times where God has decided that He is going to use my distraction to get me back to where I should be. Of course I look up for a moment, but I think I say, "just a sec" to God. Because, you know, I'm smart like that. Suddenly the butterfly is snapped up by an equally beautiful bird. I can't be angry at the bird, but I'm sad that the butterfly is gone. Then I look up and see where I am - completely off the path. Then I'm upset at myself, because I know that I've disappointed God and that I've probably missed an amazing opportunity. I have to find my way back, or rather ask God to help me back, and say sorry.

I'm sorry for getting so easily distracted! Help me follow you more closely and keep my blinders on. Let me focus on only you. Please forgive me and help me forgive myself. Lord let me stand in awe of you instead of the distractions in my life, big and small.

A past note from my alter ego

Why can faith in perfection be so flawed? My high expectations set for "Godly purpose" mentally raped of any value. Distored by the image of man fallen. My will versus His, when the winner is named I will be nursing my pride. Can't fall back on ignorance. High stress anxious worry. Be Still And Know That I Am God! Abba Father sill causes me to question His unconditional love for me.

The words are at the bridge of my nose causing pressure behind my eyes. What do you want me to say? Where do you want me to Go?
Be Prepared to go or stay


Woah, ok honestly, that scares me that I wrote that. Usually I date things, but this didn't have a date in it, it was just on a piece of notebook paper. I am a very different person from the person who wrote that. It's kind of hard to look back on who I was in that period of my life. I am so thankful that I'm no longer held so tightly in bondage to my anxiety and fear.