Mind dump (thoughts on living without a father)

I have a midterm paper to write, and therefore all I can think to write about is slightly irrelevant to what I need to write.

Here's what's on my mind.

Growing up without a consistent father figure.

I know there's been a huge push by Obama to address the "fatherlessness" in the U.S. I love that he's put a collation together and put effort into supporting those with creative ideas for providing more mentors in youth's lives. I have, however, noticed that mentoring often addresses the needs of same sex relationships. Young boys without fathers, and girls without mothers. Perhaps I'm missing some amazing programs aimed at children living without a consistent opposite sex parental figure.

Last year I read Donald Miller's Father Fiction, and I found it to be one of the most validating books in my journey through life without a father figure. It spoke to my insecurities, and my skewed expectations towards men. I am thankful for his efforts in training more mentors in the church to care about youth in a meaningful way. Yet, I feel that girls without fathers, and maybe boys without mothers miss out.

These thoughts have always been in the back of my mind (for the past two years or so), however a conversation with a group of girls this weekend, brought it back to the forefront. I spent two hours chatting with three teenage girls who, for some reason or another, did not have their father in their life. We talked about the awkwardness of our mother's dating, and our fears in future relationships, as well as the little voice in the back of our head that said, we weren't good enough for our father. Spoken or not, it's there, and it's painful. That voice follows us everywhere we go. Even into our relationship with God.

I don't have answers for what I'm musing about. There are no easy answers for these kind of things, but it's something worth thinking about.

Advent Musings

Stretched across time

Reading from the past

Living in the present

Dreaming of the future

Excitement

Anticipation

Hope

Advent

The season of Advent just caught me in its grasp

The waiting of it all

The anticipation

The hope

The fear mixed with excitement of the past becoming present, giving birth to the future

Prophets proclaimed it

He shall be Emmanuel!

God with us

And it was so

The past brought present and into the future

Today I am caught in a waiting game

Knowing I am here right now

Not knowing where I will be in the future

Anticipating reunion

Hoping that I will know how to listen and respond

When past becomes present and future is birthed.

I keep meaning to post...

...but I haven't been able to finish a coherent thought about the past 6 months. So here's the important bits, and perhaps something a bit more deep and introspective will follow.

• I'm moving to Minnesota this fall for Grad School. It's cold there so I bought some new jackets.
• I'm leaving my current job and home in a month, and I don't really have solid plans for the summer.

Early mornings

Warm tea

The quiet patter and rush of a near waking world

Take Joy

In the laughter and tears

In the rest and toil

Take joy

In the peace of a newborn

In the giggles of a young child

Take Joy

In passionate prayers

and a shared journey

Take joy

In faith

In friendship

In family

Take joy

In any way you can

find

show

share

give

receive

love

those who surround you

In joy

The prospect of moving

It is likely that I will be leaving San Francisco, my home of more than six years, in pursuit of further education. Though, cold and flat, Minneapolis, MN has one of the best programs for Youth Development at a Masters level. I spent the better part of this past week on the campus of the University of Minnesota speaking with professors, grad students, and other connected organization. I was desperate to find a flaw, anything that would send me running from the program or the state so I could justify not applying. Unfortunately, or fortunately, I was enamored by the program, the people, and the campus. Though it is cold and flat, Minneapolis is warmed with community and kindness.

Since coming home to my chilly room surrounded by loud and smelly teenage boys, I have kept myself busy researching possible grant money, and attempting to get a better understanding of the city that I might call home next fall. Beyond sharing a similar language of an urban city, I am under no disillusion that Minneapolis speaks the same dialect. I am desperate to understand the culture, and what breaths life into the midwest city. I am curious, and slightly dreamy eyed at the prospect of gathering new knowledge, and different perspectives.

Though, in all honesty I hold a lot of fear at moving away from what I know. My community, the family I have chosen to be part of, is here. I am supported, and cared for - in turn I support and care for them. We share a common language and though our passions are different they come from the same place.

I suppose it's a bit silly to be thinking of these things with almost a year in between here and there. Yet, it is in this moments, when a decision is being made, does the gravity of everything pull me into a deeper understanding of what I have and could walk away from.

Rarely do I have the joy of choosing between good and bad, true or false. Those kind of decisions are often more clear than the option between good and great.

Thoughts on sailing, drifting, and not drowning (and a bit about the titanic)

I'm not the sailing type. In fact I've never been on a sail boat, unless you count playing on my friend's sail boat in the drive way when we were kids. I have driven a boat before, but that's not really where I'm heading with this.

A few weeks ago I found myself in a conversation with four other single people laughing over the "misery" of our single status. In reality I don't think misery is the right word, but it sounds good, and a little bit dramatic, so I'll keep it. It was observed that many people who we saw as less emotionally prepared for a relationship ended up married long before those whom we felt were deserving of a long term relationship. My friend made a very titanic analogy by explaining in the following terms...

Some people see themselves in floating around in an ocean with nothing to hang onto, so the first warm body they see in a similar situation they grab onto. Both of them cling for dear life. That's how people who we least expect to get married first, get married.

My thoughts... sad but true.

We've all watched the movie or at least know the plot... Jack dies.

So many relationships are born out of fear of being alone. We drift aimlessly into the arms of someone else aimlessly drifting near by. How is that expected to start a healthy relationship, if there is such an urgency to remedy our loneliness? One person won't fix that, let's be honest it's something deeper!

I may not be good at sailing, but I did spend last summer life guarding. Though I spent most of my certification process on heavy pain killers, I remember a vital life saving tactic. Most people who are panicking often make the mistake of grabbing on for dear life. As a life guard, you're best hope at saving the person from drowning and not personally drowning in the process is getting your floatation device securely in between you and the victim. If they grab on to you, get out - for your sake and their sake too. Two people hanging onto each other in hopes to float, will most likely sink, as will frantically trying to grab onto the closest person who looks like they can swim or save you.

Just some thoughts.