Perspective

I logged onto blogger this morning to write some thoughts about... things that just don't matter as much after reading the blog of a woman who was part of my intervarsity group back in college.

Back in the beginning of April, I got an email from a mutual friend letting us know that Patty had been diagnosed with acute Lymphatic Leukemia. The cancer was caught while she was in Los Angeles attending her friends wedding as a Bridesmaid. She wasn't even allowed to head back up to the Bay Area to start treatment, instead she was admitted and began treatment in L.A. She chose to start blogging her journey as a way to reach out to long distant friends and share her story. In the times that I have taken to read about her journey I am always amazed and moved to pray.

I confess, that I haven't done a good job of keeping up with her life, nor spending much time in prayer. Today, however, as I was reading through some her posts here I was moved to tears by her strength, vulnerability, humility and honesty as she openly shared her feelings and experiences of the past 4 months.

If you have a chance to read any of Patty's thoughts or lift up a small prayer for her and her family, please do.

Preparing for a heat wave...

I think I'm finally getting this whole heat wave thing down. I've never lived in a climate that A/C was particularly necessary. Though it isn't entirely necessary here in St. Paul, there are a few weeks out of the summer that A/C would be really really nice. This weekend is turing out to be one of them. Once the heat index is up in the 90's it's pretty unbearable in my apartment, or outside, or anywhere without A/C. Cooking, cleaning, or anything that requires more than minimal heat producing energy is out of the question. So I decided to prepare for this coming heat wave to save on money and energy. Here are a few of the things I have learned along the way:

1. Once the temperature outside goes over 75 and there is no breeze close all windows and blinds. Then turn on all ceiling fans and air circulators.
2. Prepare cold pasta salads, and other meals that can be enjoyed cold. Turning on the oven or stove is a poor life decision during a heat wave.
3. Be sure to have enough iced coffee or other cool beverages (personally I make a Toddy Brew a day in advance so it can chill in the fridge for the night... I've also started using frozen fruit as ice in my water).
4. Prepare to be a morning person if you want to exercise. The coolest it's going to get is early in the morning.
5. Time showers so that you can fully dry in the cool of your car's A/C. You're hair will never fully dry otherwise... unless of course your hair loves humidity (mine thinks it's a dragon in this kind of weather).
6. Do any house cleaning before it gets too hot...
7. If all else fails make friends with people who have A/C and couch surf for the duration of the heat wave.

humility

Yesterday I lacked humility and was gently reminded of the consequences.

In a conversation with my friend who also happens to functionally be my boss I revealed the sad reality of part of my personality... my pride. Not only was it pride, it was the ugliest form of pride. It was the type of pride that revealed my thoughts of self righteousness at the detriment of those who I am in community with.

What I have found is the danger, yet perhaps blessing, of being an external processor is that we expose people to raw thoughts on a matter to organize them for future use. In one fowl swoop we can shed light on the ugliest and most beautiful aspects of who we are. It is in those moments that we are vulnerable to criticism and a false sense of grandeur.

What I am become more aware of is that few people are willing (nor should they be) to listen to my soapbox monologues on whatever has captured my thoughts and sift through what I mean and what I don't as I potentially minimize other's journey for the sake of making a point (which may or may not be valid).

Humility is one of those counterintuitive leadership qualities that I really struggle with. Admittedly, at times, I have found myself wondering, why am I not leading? ...only to realize half way into my pity party that I wanted to lead from a false sense of self grandeur.

Last week I sat around a fire with new and old friends as we discussed the possibility of humility being contagious. So I'd like to get your thoughts on the matter... Do we see Humility as a quality we desire in ourselves and in our leaders? What does it look like? Is it important? How is it acquired?

Why I choose to belong in Church Community

A few weeks ago I responded in a blog conversation with a fellow young adult who was exploring what he felt were reasons young adults are so disengaged with the church these days. This was one of my responses. For the full blog conversation go here.

I confess, my attachment to the church has much more personal than theological and Biblical roots. However, there is clearly scriptural encouragement to live in community… I mean look at Acts. That was life together. They encouraged one another, learned together, and had their conflicts. Personally, Christian community, specifically a church community, was the first place I actually came to understand what it meant to belong. Investing in something bigger than myself, in more than just my own spiritual journey, and allowing others to really come alongside me and for community members to allow me to walk alongside them changed my understand of who God is, and what the church should look and feel like. The experience of belonging in a community of Christ followers helped me realize what it could mean to belong in Christ.

Unfortunately, this deep sense of belonging, of being cared for is hard to do and hard to accept. We all have our scars, and baggage. Some church communities can be judgmental, emotionally manipulative, hateful, and insensitive. You put enough people in pain and/or denial in one place, and that’s what can happen. I don’t think the potential of being hurt lets us off the hook of experiencing God in community.

As young adults, we really need to sort out why we don’t want to go to church or why we don’t like that community. Do we feel unheard or invisible? Do we feel like there is space for us? Do we feel challenged? Do we feel cared for? Is there space for us to serve and be served? Once we start figuring out why on earth we are so resistant to go to church we need to start talking about it with people who listen and respond.

A few years ago I found myself so cynical that I had become resistant to almost all things Christian (I had a horrible experience with a church). Lent season was quickly approaching, and I thought it would be an interesting experiment to give up bitterness. Every Christian experience that came my way I tried to withhold my cynicism and simply take part (example here) . It was uncomfortable and difficult. Two months later I met a pastor who had read my blog about my experiment and invited me to be part of a church plant. That church plant happened to be the church community that I came to truly understand what belonging in Christ meant.

Honestly, I still find that I’m pretty cynical. I’m quick to question the motives of a church, I’m always asking questions, and I probably push some pastors buttons. Yet, I am ridiculously hopeful. I’m hopeful that church communities can become places of honesty, accountability, love, and belonging to everyone willing to journey alongside each other.

Mind dump (thoughts on living without a father)

I have a midterm paper to write, and therefore all I can think to write about is slightly irrelevant to what I need to write.

Here's what's on my mind.

Growing up without a consistent father figure.

I know there's been a huge push by Obama to address the "fatherlessness" in the U.S. I love that he's put a collation together and put effort into supporting those with creative ideas for providing more mentors in youth's lives. I have, however, noticed that mentoring often addresses the needs of same sex relationships. Young boys without fathers, and girls without mothers. Perhaps I'm missing some amazing programs aimed at children living without a consistent opposite sex parental figure.

Last year I read Donald Miller's Father Fiction, and I found it to be one of the most validating books in my journey through life without a father figure. It spoke to my insecurities, and my skewed expectations towards men. I am thankful for his efforts in training more mentors in the church to care about youth in a meaningful way. Yet, I feel that girls without fathers, and maybe boys without mothers miss out.

These thoughts have always been in the back of my mind (for the past two years or so), however a conversation with a group of girls this weekend, brought it back to the forefront. I spent two hours chatting with three teenage girls who, for some reason or another, did not have their father in their life. We talked about the awkwardness of our mother's dating, and our fears in future relationships, as well as the little voice in the back of our head that said, we weren't good enough for our father. Spoken or not, it's there, and it's painful. That voice follows us everywhere we go. Even into our relationship with God.

I don't have answers for what I'm musing about. There are no easy answers for these kind of things, but it's something worth thinking about.

Advent Musings

Stretched across time

Reading from the past

Living in the present

Dreaming of the future

Excitement

Anticipation

Hope

Advent

The season of Advent just caught me in its grasp

The waiting of it all

The anticipation

The hope

The fear mixed with excitement of the past becoming present, giving birth to the future

Prophets proclaimed it

He shall be Emmanuel!

God with us

And it was so

The past brought present and into the future

Today I am caught in a waiting game

Knowing I am here right now

Not knowing where I will be in the future

Anticipating reunion

Hoping that I will know how to listen and respond

When past becomes present and future is birthed.

I keep meaning to post...

...but I haven't been able to finish a coherent thought about the past 6 months. So here's the important bits, and perhaps something a bit more deep and introspective will follow.

• I'm moving to Minnesota this fall for Grad School. It's cold there so I bought some new jackets.
• I'm leaving my current job and home in a month, and I don't really have solid plans for the summer.