I'm restless. I suppose I always have been. 4 years here, 4 years there. One summer doing this, one summer doing that. I figure it's just a matter of growing up on the move. England, Colorado, California and different places inbetween and during. Sometimes I wonder though, am I running from something, running from myself? At times it is clear to me, that I am avoiding something that God is trying to place in my life, at other times I feel like God is trying to move me somewhere. Often I am so confused that I simply stay put for fear of mishearing God's voice in my life.
Last night I went to a prayer and worship evening. As I was discussing with a friend from work, earlier this morning, I was hesitant in going because I had an idea of what it was going to be like. Alas, I gave up bitterness, and all that comes with it, for Lent, so I decided this would be a good thing for me to go to. If nothing else, it would prove that I am making an effort to experience the "diversity in which people express their relationship with God" (was that the exact phrase I used last post?). I felt a little out of place, surrounded by young adults (half my age, half teens) croweded in the medium sized front room of a closed coffee shop. It felt like a high school God experience all over again, not necessarily a bad thing, just slight dejavu.
Later that evening after worship and a talk, Gary, the speaker, looked at me and asked point blank "Can I pray with you?" Now you have to understand, I can be pretty sensitive about how people ask if they can pray for one another. I've been approached by people who want to pray for me because they don't agree with something I've done or believe, they usually say, "I'll pray for you." In a pseudo-concerned pitying way. I have often found myself biting my tongue before I say something snide, or potentially hurtful. In this case I didn't get defensive, and he wasn't the man to say something like "No sir, I would not like you to pray for me." So I smiled and laughed a little nervously while responding, "How could I say no?" After briefly asking me what church I attended, if I lived in The City and if I knew about the Holy Spirit, he prayed for me.
I can't remember exactly how he started or exactly what he said through out the prayer. What I do remember is key words. Missions, Travel, Teaching, Made equal, Compassion, Unfullfilled, More, something to do with Relationship and Go. I've never been prayed over prophetically, so it was a new experience. I didn't fall to the ground, pass out, laugh or cry uncontrolably, but I did feel peace. He brought up a lot of things that I had just stopped questioning about, or had on hold because of where I was at right now.
I suppose the word Go stood out to me because it's what I have been struggling with for about a year and a half now. Go, or perhaps follow might be the best way to describe it. Just Go. Get up and go, and all through it I've asked where and how? I've admired the way in which people such as Peter, Andrew, James and John, just stopped what they were doing to follow Jesus. Yet still there were men who couldn't do that like the rich young man in Mark 10. As an indecive person who bounces back and forth from spontaninaity to strictly planned, I find myself bound somewhere in the middle of these two extremes. Stepping out in faith to follow someone I don't know and to who knows where is something I want to do, but I struggle with leaving behind what I have (which has less to do with material attachment and more to do with commitments and responsibilities). I would love to just Go or follow or something, but I don't know where or when or how. So "go" is what stood out.
As I am still processing the evening and there are many words I feel the need to disect I feel it would be unwise to leave out the scripture that God had me mulling over for most of the evening. Jeremiah 1, it's a passage I've led Bible Study on, and something that I found so itimate and empowering, how the Lord could touch the mouth of a young man to speak out in boldness and love. I thought it was something I should have read out to the group, but I held back, and while I still think I should have read it outloud, I'm starting to think God is trying to bring this scripture to me, for me.
So far this Lenten season has brought me to places much more spiritually mature than I think I am capable of handling. Yet I am trying my best to listen carefully and focus on what it's really about... not what I'm giving up but what I'm striving towards.