Making a decision

There are many moments in life when you make the choice to put God first or others or even yourself
It's a conscious decision, whether we want to admit it at the time or not.
You feel it in your gut, and suddenly things of His nature start to hurt
They start to dig under your skin
At times it's hard to decipher one voice from another
The voice you want to hear, and the voice that won't be quiet

In life there are moments where I choose to follow God or ignore his quiet request
He waits patiently for me to come back to him
While I struggle to push away
It take more energy to push away yet it feels less vulnerable than letting go
There is a moment in my life where I need to make the steadfast decision that choosing to follow God is worth losing everything I feel that I have worked towards.

I am scared
I am angry
I am nervous

I want to bury my past but my mind is not deep enough
I want to walk toward God with a clear mind, but this mill stone is too heavy
I want to ignore every message, every study, every T.V. show I've seen

But most of all I want to grow and walk with my God who is so much bigger than I can comprehend.
A God that knows how scared I am to lose what I feel is a gift from Him
A God that knows that I am angry at Him, but mostly myself
A God that knows I am nervous to let Him work in my life