Monday, September 18, 2006


Life is so unexpected, yet it all ends up fitting.

When I was little my mom used to do puzzles. She had a few puzzles that had a picture on both sides of the piece, I think they were called the world's most difficult puzzles. They would be puzzels with the same picture on both sides, but turned 90 degrees. We would put them together on a glass table so we could look at both sides to make sure they matched.
It would always amaze me when we completed the puzzle because, in the beginning, it seemed so impossible. How could these 1000 pieces of cardboard so interically connect with each other to become this fantastic picture?
There is another puzzle that I made with my mom that I always think about. It's sitting in the spare room of my apartment because it doesn't seem to fit anywhere. This puzzle wasn't one that had a picture on both sides, but it was difficult. It had a black and white M.C. Escher drawing on it with lizards. When we were done with it we puzzel glued it together and mounted it and put it on her wall. I would stare at it in the morning if I slept in her room. One morning I noticed that, instead of two different coloured lizards there were three. I think it had taken me a year to notice that.

There are times in my life that I feel like my own personal world's most difficult puzzle. There is so much going on and I can't get the full picture until I fnish it and look back. With in that, there are pieces of the puzzle that I just have to set aside until I can find the right place for them. Those pieces are the pieces that don't make sense. I know they are there for a reason and that they fit somewhere I just don't have a specific place yet.

There are also times that my life becomes the Escher puzzle that sat on my mom's bedroom wall. I could stare at it for hours on end and still miss half of what is drawn. It could be a permenant memory that sits with me and until I look at it in the right way I'm not going to be able to see the whole picture with all the details.

I don't know why a lot of things are happening, or what I've learned from certain experiences. There are also pieces of my life that I'm not sure what to do with because they don't seem to fit. I'm ok with not knowing where everything goes (usually), and there are always going to be times that I try and jam something in the wrong spot.

I was just thinking about it this evening.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Not so poetic thoughts on distraction

I am easily distracted. Just incase I haven't mentioned that before. I'm the type of person that can be distracted by a shiney object that hits the light in the right way (sometimes the wrong way too).
Yet, I am not easily distracted when I am focused on a distraction. Go figure! This has caused issues in the past, and currently in the present.

If I could draw an illustration it would be of me walking along a path following God's will and suddenly a butterfly flutters by. Without a thought, or maybe one, I follow the butterfly. Meanwhile God's calling,"Leya, come back." As my surroundings get darker and darker my focus remains on the butterfly. I don't even notice that the path is rockier - I keep on going. There are times that the butterfly might even show me something amazing or try to redirect my path back to God. These are times where God has decided that He is going to use my distraction to get me back to where I should be. Of course I look up for a moment, but I think I say, "just a sec" to God. Because, you know, I'm smart like that. Suddenly the butterfly is snapped up by an equally beautiful bird. I can't be angry at the bird, but I'm sad that the butterfly is gone. Then I look up and see where I am - completely off the path. Then I'm upset at myself, because I know that I've disappointed God and that I've probably missed an amazing opportunity. I have to find my way back, or rather ask God to help me back, and say sorry.

I'm sorry for getting so easily distracted! Help me follow you more closely and keep my blinders on. Let me focus on only you. Please forgive me and help me forgive myself. Lord let me stand in awe of you instead of the distractions in my life, big and small.

Wednesday, September 6, 2006

A past note from my alter ego

Why can faith in perfection be so flawed? My high expectations set for "Godly purpose" mentally raped of any value. Distored by the image of man fallen. My will versus His, when the winner is named I will be nursing my pride. Can't fall back on ignorance. High stress anxious worry. Be Still And Know That I Am God! Abba Father sill causes me to question His unconditional love for me.

The words are at the bridge of my nose causing pressure behind my eyes. What do you want me to say? Where do you want me to Go?
Be Prepared to go or stay

Woah, ok honestly, that scares me that I wrote that. Usually I date things, but this didn't have a date in it, it was just on a piece of notebook paper. I am a very different person from the person who wrote that. It's kind of hard to look back on who I was in that period of my life. I am so thankful that I'm no longer held so tightly in bondage to my anxiety and fear.

Sermon Notes from Last October

To live like Jesus
To live for Jesus
Why can it feel so hard?
Isn't it easier to live without the responsibility of being in control?
Yet when we sacrifice our control it feels like we have so much more responsibility to do what is right!
I feel like I need to be a perfect example of who I follow, and when I fall short of that I taint the image of whom I follow.

I found this while I was unpacking a box of random stuff. I wrote it sometime in the end of october because it was scribbled on the back of my church bulletin. I'm sure I'll run across more of these, but it felt fitting to post it here.

Friday, September 1, 2006

I’ve never prayed that my past will fall into my future
But, Lord, you know my heart

I’ve realized that my summer has affected me more than I want to admit. I know I said it was hard coming back to the city but ‘hard’ doesn’t really describe the battle I’ve had to fight, both spiritually and mentally. I would wake up in the morning sad that I wasn’t in a sleeping bag. The first thing I would grab was my bible and pray that God would show me where to be. When people spoke to me I would relate everything back to my experiences of the summer. I would daydream about the waterfront or my walk to Charlie. I still do many of these things. My heart hurt for the experiences and relationships that I had and built. I know they are still there but they are so far away.

This week I came to the realization I wasn’t living in the present, but instead, I was lost in my past and the hope of a possible future. My heart was not where God has me, but where God had me. Recognizing this brought me to another conclusion, which, quite honestly scared me: If I don’t surrender this to God I won’t be going back. If I don’t allow myself to willingly fall back in love with San Francisco, this year is going to be more difficult than necessary. More importantly I would be fighting God’s plan for my present. So I had to surrender and admit that God knows better.

I am letting go of Echo Grove, but this doesn’t mean I’m not coming back, nor does it mean I am forgetting about the relationships I have built. It means that I’m letting God make the call; it means I’m going to live in the present. It means I’m going to seize the day in San Francisco and put my heart into it. I will not be afraid of falling in love with this city. I will not be afraid of the opportunities it may hold for my future. I will remember that I am not. I am not in control of my life, I am not able to see my future, and I am not the biggest part of the story (I am not, but I know I am).