Friday, August 17, 2007
I want to do great things. It's hard to sit still, and I don't do it very often, need I say often enough. I'm about to start a job that isn't my dream, and I wonder what God has in store for me. What is he preparing me for? After the earthquake in Peru and the mine mishap in Utah, I wonder. I am drawn to disaster, I am drawn to those who are hurting. It's hard to be where I am, mentally. I am bitter toward those who have so much yet give so little - building their own palaces. Yet I do this personally, not in a million dollar type of way, but with my time and with what money I have, I build an empire of my own, neglecting the Kingdom God has established for me! Why should I be so haughty and proud to believe that I could build something greater than He?
I'm sure some of my friends call me cynical and sarcastic, heck! I call myself those things, but I think they are starting to be more negative influences in my life - in my relationship with God. I struggle to see the church and people represented in a positive light. I doubt any goodness I see in people, and I am unsurprised by the poor decisions other Christians make. I struggle to see the fruit that my life bares when I neglect my prayer time or time reading my Bible. Instead I grab a novel or watch some TV. Each season I convince myself to read a little more, pray a little more, and all in vain as I sit back down to the TV and grab my book of choice. It's not to say that I can't watch TV and I think I might go a little crazy with out a novel in progress. However, my priorities are skewed. It's that constant struggle to keep God first others second, and myself at the end of that line, while not neglecting my personal sanity.