Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Her numbness

Lately I've been effected by the stories I have heard from other people. Not simply stories, but their stories, their pain. The undeniable humanness of their hurt caused by other people, that usually causes me to cry out to God in confusion and frustration. Why does this have to happen? Why does he allow us to hurt so much sometimes? The stories can be even more difficult if they touch a personal chord, suddenly I feel the need to experience with the person, to pull out the their emotions. In all honestly I want to allow myself to feel what they are feeling in hopes to take away some of their pain, hurt, or numbness. I can be left overwhelmed by feelings of helplessness, and I am brought to question God's reasoning and allowance for such anguish. Lately, some poems or free writes that I write do not reflect my thoughts but the thoughts that come to me while entering into others pain. It's a difficult place to be, in the mind of someone else. I don't think I will ever fully grasp their emotions and the words they would choose to use. Perhaps sometime in the future this will become of some help.

Her Numbness

Sometimes I need to stop
and stare
Into the nothingness that exists -
Just below my bedroom ceiling
To let the numbness settle
In hopes that I can feel again -
If I am still enough

I am tired of angry and discontent
They do not cover this loneliness
They no longer make me feel
I wish tears could wash away
These feelings
Clean these thoughts
What I would do for him to
hold me close
So I could yell and pound against
his chest
Would any of my pain go beyond
his hollow shell
Does he still exist?

All that I feel is numb
It circulates through my veins
Incomprehensible numbness

I want out of the mental anguish
This cage
This personal cell
God, why don't he just hold
me close?
Be my father
I need him to be
How can I understand who you are
If I can't understand who he is?

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