Thursday, March 27, 2008

say what you need to say

Say by John Mayer

Take all of your wasted honor.
Every little past frustration.
Take all of your so called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations.
Say what you need to say (x8)
Walkin' like a one man army,
Fightin' with the shadows in your head.
Livin' up the same old moment
Knowin' you'd be better off instead
If you could only...Say what you need to say (x8)
Have no fear for givin' in.
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much,
than never to say what you need to say again
.Even if your hands are shaking,And your faith is broken.
Even as the eyes are closin',
Do it with a heart wide open.(Wide Heart)
Say what you need to...Say what you need to say.

Somewhere along the line we're told or we learn by example that talking about what's going on in our lives or speaking up for a friend or loved or even for ourselves, is a bad idea. It brings up that big "V" word... vulnerability. Suddenly, by saying something, we open ourselves up to the mercy of others. Unfortunatly for most of us, or at least my peers and the people I come into contact with, the times that we have been vulnerable, we don't get the response we had hoped for. If we're reaching out for help, we get pushed away, or told we're not worth it, or that we don't need help. If we're letting someone know how we feel about a person (especially in a romantic situation), we run the risk of not having those feelings recipricated (in not so pretty terms, we get denied, shot down, etc). In short, when we open ourselves up to another we run the risk of being hurt. If it doesn't go well the first few times, we start to build up walls and become less inclined to "say what we need to say."

Over the past few weeks I've realized that I haven't really been saying what I need to say. I've had a pretty tough few months. Like most if not all recent college graduates, I'm still trying to figure out what on Earth I want to do with my life. This past year has lead me through many "growing expereinces," and in the past month I have made the choice to change my job, my church, and temporarily my location. Call it my quarterlife crisis if you want, but I have had to do some serious life inventory and spring cleaning. I'm absolutely petrified, and like a good Christian, I'm struggling through by being completely inconsistant in my prayer life, grumpy about going to church, and basically wallowing in my fear. Ok, so maybe I'm being a little mellow dramatic about it, but honestly I'm freaking out about all the change I've just thrown upon myself. However, through all these changes I'm finding my voice again. I'm learning how to speak up for myself, and the people around me. I'm facing conflict, and to be honest I might be stirring up a few people's lives by being honest about the hardships I've faced, but I'm saying what I need to say. I'm doing what I think I need to do, and I'm trying to be respectful but honest in the process. So, thank you John Mayer, for yet again putting another song in my soundtrack of life.

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