When She didn't come home

When she didn't come home

I sat at the window waiting for the sound of her car
I woke to every click of the door
Every chiming of keys
When she didn’t come home

At first I held hope
Perhaps tomorrow
Perhaps next week
Maybe next month
When she didn’t come home

No one gave me an answer
She’ll be by soon
She needs some time
She’s getting clean
When she didn’t come home

At first I cried
Large droplets turning into free flowing streams
Streaking my face
Eyes burning
Blurring
Begging for understanding
My throat strained
Words distorted into choking sobs
When she didn’t come home

Questions ran through my mind
Ones I wouldn’t dare ask aloud
If I’d just tried harder
Been stronger
Would she still be here?
If I’d listened more closely
Kept my room cleaner
Would she still be here?
Was it my fault?
When she didn’t come home

I stopped crying
Stopped caring
Eyes dry
Heart callused
When she didn’t come

I closed my curtains
Slept through the night
Deafened myself to the sound of car engines slowing down the street
When she didn’t come home

I don’t cry anymore
I don’t care anymore
I don’t try anymore
I don’t love anymore
But I still ask those questions
Let them run through my
Could I have been better?
Stronger?
Was it my fault?
That she didn’t come home