Friday, September 1, 2006

I’ve never prayed that my past will fall into my future
But, Lord, you know my heart

I’ve realized that my summer has affected me more than I want to admit. I know I said it was hard coming back to the city but ‘hard’ doesn’t really describe the battle I’ve had to fight, both spiritually and mentally. I would wake up in the morning sad that I wasn’t in a sleeping bag. The first thing I would grab was my bible and pray that God would show me where to be. When people spoke to me I would relate everything back to my experiences of the summer. I would daydream about the waterfront or my walk to Charlie. I still do many of these things. My heart hurt for the experiences and relationships that I had and built. I know they are still there but they are so far away.

This week I came to the realization I wasn’t living in the present, but instead, I was lost in my past and the hope of a possible future. My heart was not where God has me, but where God had me. Recognizing this brought me to another conclusion, which, quite honestly scared me: If I don’t surrender this to God I won’t be going back. If I don’t allow myself to willingly fall back in love with San Francisco, this year is going to be more difficult than necessary. More importantly I would be fighting God’s plan for my present. So I had to surrender and admit that God knows better.

I am letting go of Echo Grove, but this doesn’t mean I’m not coming back, nor does it mean I am forgetting about the relationships I have built. It means that I’m letting God make the call; it means I’m going to live in the present. It means I’m going to seize the day in San Francisco and put my heart into it. I will not be afraid of falling in love with this city. I will not be afraid of the opportunities it may hold for my future. I will remember that I am not. I am not in control of my life, I am not able to see my future, and I am not the biggest part of the story (I am not, but I know I am).

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