(wrote this 4/29/08)
I went for a walk on the bluffs of Pacifica this past Friday. I didn't particularily want to spend all that much time by myself but I was bound and determined to get a nice hike in. Honestly though, it was probably best that I had a bit of time to reflect and just enjoy the awe inspiring wonder of Northern California. As I listened to Matisyahu (my favorite Hassidic Jewish Reggae/Rapper) and contemplated Jesus, I was overcome by a sense of love. I am in love with Jesus. Not just a small crush, or high school romance. I love Him. I want to understand His every move, His culture, His family. I want to know Him better than I know my friends and family. This isn't necessarily the first time I've felt this way, but I think it's the first time I really looked at the disconnect between how I feel about Jesus, and the lip service I give Him.
As much as I love Jesus, I am rediculously lame when it comes to engaging in that relationship on a reading and prayer level. I lack commitment in the worst possible way, oh and discipline. I look for anyother way to get my hands dirty with the Lord's work. Lay Ministry, Biblestudy, Youth work, outreach, giving... anything that gets me engaged with people and engaged with what Jesus did during his time on Earth. Sit me down with a Bible and two hours of silence and I will squirm around like a Kindergardener who needs to pee. I will honestly spend more time finding the intriquecies of the corner of a wall, than talking to my God, or reading about His people. Tell me nothing is sick and twisted about that??
I don't think I'm alone in this paradox